Living Waters, Golfer's Paradise, Hole One, Par Three Hundred Thousand

"If there were a golf course in Heaven ..."

" Like many people of faith, I have often contemplated the glories of heaven. Christ said he would prepare a mansion for us - could he also prepare a divine garden setting where in we might pursue a recreational game or two? (Or two or three thousand?)

Imagine the possibilities: not a care to interrupt the stroll through the verdant grounds, not a deadline to interfere, not an interruption to beckon. Bliss, pure and simple, and a fragrant walk through the morning light as one pursues the perfect round.

-See you on the links! Thomas Kinkade"

This is Thomas Kinkade's idealization of the Perfect Golf Course. One created by God Almighty. I am not a golfer but I know enough about golf to see that if this is the first tee, it's gonna be a tough game. This ain't a course where the players got there by not swearing. Because there's gonna be some whopper blasphemies breaking the clouds right from the get-go. Do you see a fairway anywhere in the vicinity? I see a sand trap dead smack in the middle of the grass 50 yards to the left that ends in the usual Kinkade diseased brush, and if the fairway bears to the right, that purple tree is gonna catch 50% of the balls and that
unwatered, stick-dry orange tree on the left is gonna snag the other 50%. That fucking terracotta vase thing right near the tee is gonna rattle the equanimity of even the most serene golfer, wondering what the fuck it's doing there, and that stone
patio in the foreground has got to rattle the guys waiting to tee off. Maybe it's there so they can grind out cigars with their feet. Though that's tough to do in cleats on stone. Sadly, the Kinkade heaven looks just as grotesquely painted as the Kinkade earth, with that same silver-white mystery fog in the far distance to make one wonder if a chlorine cyanide truck exploded upwind, loosening its lethal airborne chemicals from its barrels into a death-forming cloud and sending it quietly on its way toward the viewer.