Above is this year's Christmas Abomination from Thomas Kinkade: the Ken&Barby versions of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Jesus looks a lot like a sleeping Gerald McBoingBoing. Joseph and Mary look like Watusi-length inhabitants of a Star Wars planet. Joseph seems to be carrying a shepherd's crook, even though he was a carpenter. Maybe he's holding it for Jesus for later when Jesus becomes The Good Shepherd. If it's a walking cane Joseph will have to stoop to use it, it's so fucking short. Perhaps it is an umbrella against the fierce Bethlehem rainstorms. The two modeling-agency Protestant American Jews seem to be both wearing Ed Hardy-designed dresses, or, perhaps, Bobby Trendy bathrobes. For someone like myself who comes up with expressions like "Jesus Jewboy Christ," and "the goddamned fucking Bible." you would think I would be the last person to throw stones with the word "blasphemy" painted across them. But, I dunno, I think this mess outstrips even my worst offenses. I am especially admiring of Mary's hair, it is very fetching, reminiscent of Kat Deely or Farrah Fawcett. It would not surprise me if Thomas Kinkade does not come out with a lingerie line of dollwear for Jesus' mom, then his little Mary figurines can be sold in Victoria's Secret, which I do not think would jostle his sensibilities one bit.
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