Sunlit Garden In Bendyland

   "Sunlit Garden, painted under my Impressionist brush name, Robert Girrard, exhibits a freedom of brushstroke and boldness of color that embraces the style of the French Impressionist masters. Girrard, like Kinkade, loves massive old stone and steel gates, intricate iron fences, and the equally intricate shadows they cast. We both love the flowers of spring - in this case, roses and dogwood festooning the grounds. And we both think that a fully enclosed courtyard is an irresistible, intimate space. I can only hope that you will join me in my Sunlit Garden.

-Thomas Kinkade"

   I have included this, not so much for the ordinariness of the painting but for the weirdness of the blurb accompanying it. He talks about himself not only in the third person, but as two people in the third person!!!!!!!!!!
   You know, at times, when I am not thinking of Thomas Kinkade as the world's most accomplished bullshitter and snakeoil salesman and carnival pitchman, I honestly find myself thinking he is a deranged mental patient who has somehow tapped-in to a kind of universal Stupidity Gene inherent in the human species. Sometimes I think he has merely, and quite innocently, connected himself to some species-wide mutation of good sense gone mad, like a curse - it is as though he has wired-in to a curse on mankind and was rewarded by mankind's sacrifice of itself to him. It is like he is the savior and redeemer of the idiotic. And that he has come by this position in all innocence and with no premeditation. I mean, look at him carry on about himselves. Or theirselves. Whatever he or they is:....    
   "I....Girrard....Kinkade....Thomas......Robert.....we both.....the two of us...we love..... we do....we see...there is me.... there is him.... we are both here....we both paint....we both shit, sometimes he goes in first, then sometimes I go first....."
   WHAT THE FLYING MOTHER FUCK!!!!! WHO COULD BE SO FUCKING SELF ABSORBED THAT THEY HAVE TO DOUBLE THEMSELVES TO SOAK UP ALL THE EXCESS SELF ADULATION!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
   He's amazing. By any standard of self-absorbtion, he's amazing. Him and Mia Michaels have to breed. They have to breed and create the antichrist who will deceive and destroy the world in a bucketload of bullshit never before seen or imagined. Then Jesus will come with a firehose and clean things clean with great blasts of water after everything has rotted under a pile and pestilence of lying deceitful horse shit and crap. And then everything will be clean again. Oh, and not to nitpick, but does anyone see a garden here? Shouldn't it be called Sunlit Bricks? Whatever you say, Thom. The moon's a balloon if you say so, Thom.
   And before I forget.....a brush name??? What the fuck is that! I never heard of that! I never heard of a painter using a "brush name." I have heard of pen names. I don't understand them but I have heard of them. But a brush name? That's a new one. A real new one. What was the thought process do you suppose going on inside his head that resulted in Thomas Kinkade deciding that while in Europe he had to use a different name. Did he use the different name on just his canvases? Or was it on his passport too. He can't even do normal things normal. Everything has to be a wondrous rejoiceful mystery with him because his soul is magnified, like Jesus' mom's. He is just an exuberance of delightfulness in all he does. "I shall change my name on this painting! I am too talented to be confined to just one identity!" I guess all charlatans do this actually: use aliases. Maybe it's not so beatific after all.